Ep84 Barbara Daoust—How to Step Into the Bigger Version of Yourself Without Letting Fear Pull You Back to the Old On

Barbara Daoust  0:00  
We're here to express. We're just choosing a vehicle, you know, as an opportunity to express those parts of ourselves. And I say to people, you'll never know who you really are until you meet the parts of yourself you haven't yet met. Yeah, how are you going to meet those parts if you keep defending your limitations?

Suzanne Taylor-King  0:18  
You build something successful, but growth feels harder than it should. You keep solving problems, but the same patterns return. What if the constraint isn't where you've been looking? Welcome to Unlock Your Way with STK. Each week, I sit down with founders, CEOs, and leaders, navigating the messy middle of growth to explore the invisible constraints that keep successful businesses stuck because the problem you're solving may not be the real problem. Let's find out what is. Good morning, good morning, everyone. Suzanne Taylor King here for another live episode on Friday of Unlock Your way with STK, and I am really excited for today's conversation because most entrepreneurs don't have a strategy problem; they have a casting problem. They've been playing the wrong character in their own story, and no business plan can fix that. But after 25 years of coaching A-list actors and a profound personal loss that rewrote her own life, Barbara Doust traded the Hollywood director's chair for the entrepreneur seat. Now she blends acting, visioneering, and Bob Proctor's thinking into results methodology to help business owners step into the bigger character that their next level requires. And for those of you that know me, you know I love that. Barbara, welcome to the show.

Barbara Daoust  1:57  
Thank you for having me, Suzanne. I'm

Suzanne Taylor-King  2:00  
so excited for today's conversation. So buckle up, everyone! You're gonna get the story and some tactics and strategies for your own business. Barbara drops wisdom wherever she goes. But before we get into the actual work of this conversation, I want to start where some people don't expect. After you spent over a decade as an acting coach and director behind some of Hollywood's biggest young stars, Olson Twins, Vanessa Hudgens, Aaron Paul, what did directing performers at that level teach you about human potential that you wouldn't have learned anywhere else? Great question. I'd say that what I realized along the

Barbara Daoust  3:00  
way, Suzanne, and it took years. Was that I wasn't teaching actors how to perform in terms of the acting craft. I mean, that was part of the experience. But I was really passionate about teaching how to fail and how to make mistakes because I started out as a young performer, started in you know around the age of eight, and then stopped around the age of 20 and became a director and founded a theater company and went that route because I could not receive so-called constructive criticism, which didn't feel like constructive criticism, right? To the self, and I noticed that the tenacity to persevere and keep growing in spite of the opinions of others really took a lot of resilience and self love, self worth, self acknowledgement. So I taught a lot of my young professionals that they could make mistakes, and I had just come out of a master's program at UCLA in directing, where I focused for a couple of years on letting myself fail, make mistakes, excruciating process, painful. But because I had intention and I focused on deliberately expanding myself, I was at that time maybe considered an unconscious competence, not really knowing, you know, what I was doing. I was just going for something new because I was bored, I tend to get bored very easily.

Suzanne Taylor-King  4:47  
I think that's part of the entrepreneur journey. I think that's a characteristic of the most successful entrepreneurs: never satisfied, slightly bored, maybe even slightly. Add because we love the next challenge, and I love what you said about learning to fail. I I think I think when I learned what the word resilient truly meant during my time studying positive psychology, I cried because finally understanding that all of those failures and mess ups and things where I lost money or didn't succeed were actually the gold lessons. I I really am so passionate about that. When did you really see that connection between that for actors and that work with entrepreneurs?

Barbara Daoust  6:01  
I could see that you know people were limiting themselves in terms of risk taking, and also in fear of judgment, fear of criticism. The through line that I started to see with myself included was that highly successful professional working people, creatives, and the common through line was a lack of self worth, a lack of you know acknowledgement, just striving and chasing, and seeing that that really related to perfectionism, you know, the and the identity, the imposter, the fraud. Whereas I like to say that when you're not feeling comfortable, most people will say, you know, it's not for them or that's not who they are. But if you have the desire and you really, you know, go a little bit deeper with it, underneath that is usually the fear of failure,

Suzanne Taylor-King  6:59  
yeah,

Barbara Daoust  7:00  
or success, right?

Suzanne Taylor-King  7:01  
Or success, yeah,

Barbara Daoust  7:03  
yeah,

Suzanne Taylor-King  7:03  
yeah. I think so many times I see, and even with myself in the beginning of the online journey, is that you have a certain measure of success in your mind, and any little step you take towards that, if you're not successful, feels like a giant failure because you're seeing the end result that you want. And I think that reframe can only happen with reflection. And you and you talk a lot about that. I notice in your content, in your recommendations, you know this idea of looking back to gain information about now. That that's definition of constructive feedback, whether it comes from you or someone else. What did that look like for you? Giving it to yourself was that a difficult process?

Barbara Daoust  8:08  
It was a difficult process because it took for me a tragedy in my life to shift everything. So going one day living a life that I knew to the next day, living a life that I didn't know, complete complete 180 degree turn. If I often say, you know, if I only knew then what I know now, when I was working alongside, you know, a lot of these celebrities and working on sets, and but I, I just didn't understand my value. I didn't understand my worth. I often say I could have retired to an island had I known at that time what I could have asked for.

Suzanne Taylor-King  8:48  
Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. Well, you lost your husband suddenly to cancer after 28 years together, and I just want to acknowledge how difficult that must have been, but most people would say that grief is the thing that breaks you. But it didn't with you. What did it build within you?

Barbara Daoust  9:14  
It came close to breaking me because after he he passed suddenly within three weeks of his diagnosis.

Suzanne Taylor-King  9:23  
Oh my!

Barbara Daoust  9:24  
Yeah, actually, this month, you know, he was diagnosed may 5 and gone may 31, just like that. And no no warning signs, nothing. But after that, I had four more family deaths. So I found his mother dead in her apartment. My father died. My best friend died in front of me, and then I, my 40-year-old brother-in-law, died jumping out of a plane, and his parachute didn't open. So it was really devastating time. Took me, you know, a good year before I even opened up the curtains to my living room. So. That that journey led me to the work I'm doing now because I was so interested in why change was that complicated. What had happened where I had a I had an idea, I had a vision, I was on you know on this trajectory of becoming a successful you know director in in TV. I I had already had my career in theater, but was aiming more for opportunity in TV. And opportunity was showing up. And then suddenly this happened, and I shut shop everything. I closed my school. I closed my private practice. I stopped working on sets. There just it just wasn't an environment for a grieving widdle. Let you know, let alone I was always somebody who was the strong one, the teacher, the positive one, one that showed up with a big smile on her face. And it took several years of understanding more about change. The angels that came into my life that stayed by my side, that were you know you could count on one hand, really, and and so much lost. It's not just you know losing your loved one, but it's losing friends, it's losing position, it's losing identity.

Suzanne Taylor-King  11:19  
Yeah,

Barbara Daoust  11:19  
it's really losing identity, and in that, because of some angels that came to my side, and I just went on a journey, went into a you know a master's program in spiritual psychology, and started really investigating what had happened to me, and you know ultimately to understand it was happening for me, as we say in the work that we do, accepting that was very very challenging.

Suzanne Taylor-King  11:45  
Yeah.

Barbara Daoust  11:46  
So you know, meeting people where they're at is crucial. Crucial to leading them to the bigger version of themselves. Yeah. And at the same time, what's complex is that I challenge people to be big and bold, and really step outside the comfort zone. Not, we're not going after something we know how to do. We're going after something that the dream inside is calling, and then step into that version of oneself. And along the way, there's like the first few weeks, magic starts to happen when people get clarity and make a committed decision that they're going in the direction of what they they want, and all kinds of magic starts to happen from opportunities to people to situations where it's like they they start to wake up. It's a different consciousness that's growing, right? Their thinking is changing because once you start going for something you don't know how to do, your thinking automatically has to change, and but then around week four, week five, very busy with people calling because the anxiety kicks in.

Suzanne Taylor-King  12:53  
Yeah,

Barbara Daoust  12:54  
right. That high level of I don't understand this. I don't know who I'm being. You know, things are around me are going cuckoo. My my family is acting strange. Whatever it is, those that I call it the battle between the old self and the new self.

Suzanne Taylor-King  13:09  
Yeah,

Barbara Daoust  13:10  
and because I've been there so many times, I can guide and lead people through the understanding that it's really you know the opposing vibrations in our bodies, and that what is that identifying? You know the the old self and the new self, and how does the old self keep showing up? And no matter what, like I have people repeating the same program with me, Suzanne, over and over and over again for up to 10 years because next level, new devil.

Suzanne Taylor-King  13:37  
Oh yeah, I and I will say full vulnerability here. When when I was, it's probably been four identities that I've had to up level and step into, you know, it just in my coaching practice the last 15 years. But when I think about the journey of grief and the journey of losing people, and not just to death, but for other reasons as well. There's divorce. There's bankruptcy. There's, you know, grief in the traditional sense with death and loss. I will say there was a cascade effect for me, where one one compounded the next one, and the next one, and the next one, and I so appreciate your vulnerability sharing that because I I could feel it, how one just makes the next one harder and the next one harder, and that's so true for entrepreneurs. That next up level,

Barbara Daoust  14:46  
yes,

Suzanne Taylor-King  14:46  
which is usually where I meet people when they're ready for that up level. The hardest part is letting go of the old identity. Boy, it wants to hold on. Wants to hold you back. It wants to stay with you, and it still happens quite often. Even with the highest achieving people, myself, high level clients I work with, it still comes up. Yeah, and I I think acknowledging that is so you're never done, and that's what I appreciate so much about what you said. People repeating the work for 10 years because you're never done. There is no there.

Barbara Daoust  15:35  
That's

Suzanne Taylor-King  15:35  
yeah. I love that. Love that. Yeah. For the person who is currently listening to this conversation and struggling a little bit with grief or change or stepping into that next level of themselves, what's the pep talk there from you?

Barbara Daoust  15:58  
It's interesting. Even at this time, I'm noticing with a lot of people coming forward, you know, to my practice. There's a lot of fear, and whether it's environment or you know loss or the times, all of that, it's change. It's bottom line. It's it's change and pivoting into the next version. What I'm seeing more and more is the ability to like acknowledge the feelings that you're feeling, and there's there's more language out there these days about feel your feelings. You know, don't suppress your feelings. At the same time, there's a neuroscience, you know, that's evolving in understanding our brain. So I've been studying more neuroscience for like the last eight, nine years, and I recently heard about you know the limbic region of our brain where the amygdalae are going off, you know, like cannons on fire when change is occurring, or where the where there's despondency, or where there's complication of you know what's next, you know, and to allow the nervous system to not just relax. A lot of people are talking about regulating the nervous system, letting you know get back to regulation. But neuroscience is showing that that leads To underperformance, so it's more about feel the feeling and let the limbic region like take for 90 seconds. Let the limbic region understand that it's not threat. So there's a difference between fear and threat, right? Yeah, and so threat is when there's a bear in the woods, and we need to do something, and the adrenaline kicks in. But where we are creating fear, we're creating that same scenario in our body, in you know, releasing the hormones and the chemicals that tell us that you know our life is being threatened. But it's to calm that part down, you know. Let the limbic region deal with it, and not go into story. So there is, you know, there's time for reflection. You know, when you really are asking questions of yourself and reflecting on, you know, growth and process. But then in these times when there's panic and fear, it's not about listening to that old voice telling you the reason was because your father was hard on you, or you know because that's the old self. That's the old self coming up saying, "No, come back to what you know. You know this change is too hard and complicated, and we need you to be in your comfort zone, which means be safe, right? Yeah, and and to allow not to suppress the feeling, because then the the suppressed feeling leads to depression, and you know we don't want to deny that the feeling is there. But some, I like to say, sometimes there's addictive states, right? That are feelings that are just repetitive feelings. Like if I'm making a cup of coffee and I'm stirring and I'm singing, "You've got to work hard for your money," and then I start feeling anxious, it's not really because you know I'm working hard for my money, it's really the the voice inside my head saying, you know, this you've got to get more comfortable. Come on back to what you know. Yeah, that's and if I keep going to that place, it's an addictive, you know, quality. It so it takes a little bit of sophistication to distinguish between real fear and real threat.

Suzanne Taylor-King  19:40  
Yeah,

Barbara Daoust  19:41  
right. So a lot of the people, it's it's again in the law of polarity, right? When there's two opposite poles, if you keep focusing and like with your studying with positive psychology, if you keep focusing on that negative pole, it's just going to be in the frequency and the resonance of pulling toward. You more of the same, and so the mental practice, the mental rehearsal, and this is where in in my work from having been a director and an acting coach that I help people to create the the character that they want to build, the the the bigger version of themselves that they want to build, the star of the movie that they want to write, and to start building behaviors and habits that, just like an actor receiving a script and understanding the character and building into what are the beliefs behind the character, what are the thoughts that that character is thinking. What what are the actions that they're taking? How do they dress? So it all becomes more of you writing your own script. You're writing your own story and living into it. You know, every day 1% different every day, and doing something scary every day to teach the the limbic region to teach it that it's not you're not dying you're not going to die even though it feels like it you know I know even for myself in the beginning and I would share with people that I would I'd pick up the phone after doing a speech and call people saying do you want to work with me no okay goodbye okay you know and and I would use all types of tools, and I I look at using imagination, helping people. A lot of people will say that they're not creative, or they don't have imaginations, or that they can't visualize. But it's one of the biggest lies that they're telling themselves. So, question I like to ask is, what's what's the biggest lie? What's one of the biggest lies you're telling yourself? And then from there, you know, like I used to tell myself I wasn't smart enough, until I really realized that was a lie. It's just the you know the perfectionists that wanted to who wasn't enough who wanted more, and so the not smart enough was the let's keep staying small, right, so that there wouldn't be judgment, there wouldn't be attack, there wouldn't be you know exposing vulnerability, and there wouldn't be deregulation of the nervous system and this whole chaos going on. But identifying, it's like now I I show people how to identify that in the chaos, to like laugh at it, to almost enjoy it, to to have the awareness because I believe that everything is consciousness, and that's it's your level of awareness and your level of consciousness. So back to your question, it's really helping them shift that if they're you know at the resonating at the negative end of the pole, there is the positive end of the pole, but you don't just jump there,

Suzanne Taylor-King  22:44  
right? Right? Right? Well, I I think what you're saying so much to unpack so much good wisdom there. But what I love the most is that that negative focus that most people do, if they notice a negative trait or a negative thing that happens, they focus on improving that negative thing. Whether it's a trait, an emotion. I know my go-to negative emotion used to be frustration, so I'd be frustrated that something wasn't working, and I hear that from a lot of my clients. And I remember in positive psychology there was a character strengths assessment that we did. Believe it's called VIA Character Strengths Assessment, and it gives you your top 25 character strengths, and so when I thought about creating, you know, this entrepreneur that I wanted to be to help others, I immediately went to the bottom of the list. Like most people, what are my what are my weaknesses, and how can I improve them. Yes, and the teaching that day was no, no. I saw you whole classroom looking at the bottom of the list. It's human psychology, right? We're not going to look at the bottom of the list today. We're going to look at your top three, those ones that come naturally to you, and I'm getting goosebumps right now on my whole entire body because this is so so important. That those three top strengths for me are now what I get paid to do. Yes, and the whole world opened up for me with that understanding of don't worry about what you're not naturally good at. Embrace and improve, and use every day the. Things that you are naturally good at, and I didn't see the connection at first. Yeah, but it was exciting to me to look at those three strengths and say, if I can figure out how to be an entrepreneur and do those three things, and get paid for that. Yeah, it won't. The money won't matter. The satisfaction will be higher. And it was just such an incredible visual. And you, you talk about um, what do you call your term for visualization? It's a little bit different.

Barbara Daoust  25:42  
Visioneering,

Suzanne Taylor-King  25:43  
visioneering. So you're actually creating the vision, and I think if you could give us some tips on seeing that within ourselves, that would be amazing. And the other thing I want you to unpack is what Bob Proctor. I remember something he teaches about fear and when it comes up. What does he call that? And and there's there's an intersection there of when fear comes up, being able to remember that person you're going for. Do you see the track I'm on here? Yeah. That. Yeah. Okay. Wonder. I knew you would. I knew you would.

Barbara Daoust  26:38  
So that's called the terror barrier.

Suzanne Taylor-King  26:41  
Terror barrier.

Barbara Daoust  26:43  
Yes, yes. And so let's combine like the visioneering with the terror barrier. Yeah. So if somebody is, they have a desire, and even with what you're saying about the strengths, Bob would say, you know, I love teaching, I love coaching, and I don't know the first thing about car mechanics, and I intend to keep it that way, right? So you know, you hire the people that can manage that for you, but it's a fine line, also, Suzanne, because until you can hire the people to do that for you, there are things in business that you may not want to do, and that you're not good at, and or even for somebody like I work with a lot of financial advisors who have to make a lot of cold calls, and they're advised to make 30 phone calls a day calling strangers, and they're good at financial advising, but they're not necessarily good at making the phone call. But it's part of the business. So there's, you know, an article that Albert Gray wrote called "The Common Denominator of Success," and that he says in it. And in the beginning, it kind of like, you know, it hit me across the side of the face when he said the common denominator of success is that highly successful people form the habit of doing things that failures don't want to do. Yes, so that really resonated for me and resonates with a lot of people that I work with and helping them to cross that terror barrier, whether or not it's imagining, I had one financial advisor who loved angels. So now, going back to doing the things that you love, we used that she loved painting and she loved angels. And so I had her draw a picture of an angel with scallops. And for every phone call, she had to color in a scallop. So then she started to relax more and have fun with it, and understand that she, you know, wanted to help people and wanted to serve people, and this was just part of the habit formation. Because when you form a habit, you don't have to think about it, right? It becomes more automated. It still doesn't mean that it's easy. I still don't like brushing my teeth every day for some reason it's just I just still don't like it you know and I walk every day and but there's still that resistance every day to like do I do it right yeah so going back to the terror barrier if somebody says that they want to have a coffee shop but they want to do it differently they want to have a bookstore in it. So the first phase is to fantasize, allow oneself to fantasize about all the things that they may want to achieve in their lives, and then to start isolating, narrowing it down to what's really what's really the the golden nugget, and then let's say that they want to do a coffee shop with a bookstore. So that's just an idea, right? It's just now in the it's in the thinking mind. It's in it's in consciousness, and until so it's really at the conscious level, and until the person starts to get. Emotionally involved. This is the key, and this is where the acting comes in as well, right? So that you get emotionally involved with the idea, and then they start to fantasize more about well, what does it look like? You know, where would they? What kind of chairs? What kind of tables? What kind of staff? What kind of books? Where would the location? And then they start to get really excited about it. Now it's moving into subconscious, which is controlling. Neuroscience is now showing it's 95% of our behavior that the subconscious mind is controlling.

Speaker 1  30:31  
Oh,

Barbara Daoust  30:32  
so which means which means it's automation, right? And in order to create the new, it has to go through a you know a repetitive cycle. It's like planting that seed and watering it over and over and over, you know, until it blossoms. But most people give up because they're not seeing the blossom. So, it's I at that subconscious level, what starts to happen when you get emotionally involved, it starts to create a new vibration. So we're starting out with an idea. We're already who we are. Let's give it X, right? At the conscious level, it's what we already know. The thinking we already know. It's an X vibration at the subconscious level. It's an X vibration, and then in the body, you know, it's an X vibration, which then gives us X results, the same thing over and over again. I did it again. I did it again. I did it again. But then let's call the new idea Y idea, where we start to fantasize and we start to create and we start to engage imagination. Then that Y is still just at the conscious level, but when we get it emotionally involved, it moves into subconscious level, and now in the subconscious mind, we've got an X Y vibration, and that X Y vibration that's what I what I call the old self and the new self, and that X Y vibration drops down into the body as X Y, and they're going to town. You know, an old self is saying, you know, get out of here, and New Self is saying, "No, you know, we want this because now we're thinking about the people." And I just talked to so and so the other day, and they were excited, and I I found the the exact location. And old self is going, "You can't do it. You've never been able to achieve that, you know, kind of success in your life." And so, what happens with most people? It's either you you know you face the fear and you get into action and you get into the next step and you get into the next indicators, then you know it's the the fear is still moving along with you. At the same time, some of the magic starts popping in, right? Some of the oh oh, but and the determination. But then it's also this is the other thing that neuroscience is showing with visioneering, that to not just visioneer everything that looks great, but to also include the obstacles, so that when you're in the obstacle, that there's an understanding. I like to tell people that the solution already exists, but you get to create the problem to find it. Yeah. So in that reframe, people start to understand that you're creating the problem because it's necessary. The obstacle is there in order for you to find that solution. It already exists, so it then becomes a matter of trust and faith. But if you don't go through the fear, you're going to go right back to what you already know. Go back to the habits and the identity, and that could lead, you know, to just inaction, anxiety, and it's it's still knocking. It's still oh

Suzanne Taylor-King  33:39  
yeah, oh yeah,

Barbara Daoust  33:40  
hey, right. And then what is it? Then the smallness takes over, which is the ego mind playing small, because the ego mind can be big and boastful, and it can also play. I'm going to go hide back in the cave.

Suzanne Taylor-King  33:54  
Oh, for sure. And I I remember. I think the most common place where I first saw this happen was when I was a health coach and I was helping people. That's that's radical change in habits, not just flossing every day. No, this was you're changing the way you think about food, the way you prepare food, the way you exercise, everything has to change. And I have always been the type of person who just change it all at once. That's easier for me. Don't don't change one little thing at a time and then still have Oreo cookies after dinner, right? It's like clean slate, clean slate, everything, all or nothing. That's part of the entrepreneur spirit, I think, as well. And one of the things that I started to notice, and now I notice this with business owners as well, is that once. It's been ingrained into the body what you're doing and what you're working on. That actually becomes the fuel that takes you to that next level because you're actually taking action and doing, not just thinking. Yes, and with health-related things, I notice something with people who are healthy, and healthy by meaning they eat well, they exercise, they stay on plan, they don't they don't change much in weight. You know, five pounds up, five pounds down. That's that's their range, they've looked like that their whole lives. Drinking water, all the things, and I notice that the good habits become the routine. So they're not just things I'm doing; they become things you're being.

Barbara Daoust  36:03  
That's right.

Suzanne Taylor-King  36:04  
That's when Sue does not do this anymore. Right? I don't smoke cigarette anymore. Sue has become the person who doesn't smoke. I remember the day it happened. My father caught me with cigarettes. He took his out of his pocket and threw him in the trash. He said, "We don't smoke anymore." And I was like, "Oh, oh, okay." And that was one of the first times I realized that habit change can take place instantaneously if the desire is strong enough. Yes, and for my dad, his desire to have me not smoke was stronger than his desire to smoke. So sometimes you can add somebody else in the equation that you're doing something for. Yes. So I love

Barbara Daoust  37:00  
that.

Suzanne Taylor-King  37:01  
I I loved it so much, and it's been such a powerful lesson when working with other people. Sometimes the why has to be bigger than themselves.

Barbara Daoust  37:13  
Yes, yeah, and that that's something that I've asked and questioned as well because I do believe it's like Napoleon Hill says, you know, get a definite aim of purpose, and just you know go for it. Now, a lot of the time there is the why, and then there's also

Speaker 2  37:37  
the want. So

Barbara Daoust  37:38  
I do believe that you you don't get what you want; you get who you are being.

Suzanne Taylor-King  37:43  
Oh,

Barbara Daoust  37:45  
that's you know, it's really it's not like just focusing on what you want, what you want. But then you know, I look at somebody in the story of Edmund Hillary who climbed Mount Everest. He didn't have a why. He just had a want. There was a determination for him to be the first man, you know, at at the top of Mount Everest. But he it wasn't like designed by a Y, you know. There was just something, and he was six foot five, and he only made it the third time, right? And his the whole expedition didn't make it. It was him and his Sherpa that made it, and the reason that they made it was because he conserved more oxygen in his tank. So he had like the last 15 minutes of his tank in enough oxygen to make it to the top. So there was design in that, you know. And then he went on to help create universities and schools and hospitals in Nepal, you know, for for their people, and that I've I've often wondered, you know, that was just a big want. So it's gaging energy a lot of the time. How how badly does somebody want something? And then some people will say they don't know why they want it, you know. I could say that you know one of my biggest goals is to be able to pick up a a tab in any five star restaurant across the world. Why? Because I was 18 before I really went to a classy restaurant, right? So there's some drive in there. There's some why in there, yeah. And there's, you know, there. Sometimes you don't need to question the want.

Suzanne Taylor-King  39:26  
I think so. A friend recently asked me. So I've had a car that I've always wanted. It's it's been on my bucket list since 24, And I think I've had so many different cars over the years. I'm a car person. I think you know that was something that's just always attracted me. Why do I want it? Because I've always wanted it. I don't. I you can't tell you why. But it's a certain year, a certain style, like certain color, like, and it's so in my subconscious. And when a friend recently asked, "Why would you want that? And how, at 60, are you going to get out of that thing? It's so low to the ground, and I said, "That's one of the reasons I stay in shape, so that I can get up off the ground or out of a car that's that low to the ground." And she looked at me like I was insane. But whatever fuels your why or fuels that version of yourself, right? I think that's so so personal. As I I just think it it's incredible to hear those stories from people. Like what what is it that's fueling that why or that the reason for being an entrepreneur or writing a book or having a course or being on stage, and I think one of the coolest things about what you do is the getting into character piece. I'd love to unpack that a little bit because one of the times it came up, fear came up for me, was the first time I was getting paid to speak on stage, and I walked into the event so excited. There was no fear of being on the stage. I didn't have an issue with that, but I looked at the roster of other speakers, and everyone was a doctor except for me. And I thought, oh no, here we go. Yeah, not good enough.

Speaker 2  42:03  
Yeah,

Suzanne Taylor-King  42:04  
not not smart enough. Not accomplished enough.

Barbara Daoust  42:10  
Yeah,

Suzanne Taylor-King  42:11  
and I had a self coaching moment in the classroom in the mirror, and I said, "No, no, you're a rock star at this. It was a whole persona. Yep, it was a whole, and it went back to the character strengths

Barbara Daoust  42:28  
of

Suzanne Taylor-King  42:29  
over. And doctors are going to be dry and boring, and I'm going to get on stage and make them laugh, make them stand up. I'm a rock star at this, and she has become Suzanne. The rock star has become an actual character for me to step into when I need to, and you actually teach people how to do that. I can't wait to learn how to use it more, use it in other areas of my life, and and really help and guide other people. So, share away.

Barbara Daoust  43:13  
Well, fantastic! It's what comes up for me is that there are a lot of tools, and not all the tools work like with the wants and the whys. The you know the process of you know going seven level deep seven levels deep with the why question can be very very powerful some for some people. So you know I just want to acknowledge that not all tools work in the same fashion for everyone. So it's going into the toolbox and finding out, engaging. You know what is going to ignite someone, and in my work, I've seen that it's the missing link for people creating in their lives the the dream that they say they want is really that emotional piece, that being peace, and so in building the character, the very first step is to get it out on paper, write it down, you know, and in the areas of, and not just in career, and then to isolate and go into what I call some presupposing questions, and presupposing questions are why questions. So you, you know, really start to reprogram. But affirmations can be powerful, but they in they need emotion. They need sincere emotion.

Suzanne Taylor-King  44:33  
We need to believe them too. We

Barbara Daoust  44:35  
need to believe them.

Suzanne Taylor-King  44:37  
We can't just create an affirmation that your subconscious doesn't believe

Barbara Daoust  44:44  
exactly, exactly, and and you can you can push outside the comfort zone. You know, like when somebody says, "Well, add a zero to that 10,000," you know, that can be very complicated for somebody, and maybe not for others. And the but the emotional piece, you know, getting in involved and using techniques like why questions, presupposing questions, will bypass the conscious mind, and the brain is a search engine, and it will start go looking for things. You know, you get out of the way. A lot of the process is you getting out of the way, and a way to do that is to is to create and to fantasize. And so, if you write on paper in you know the areas of your life that you want to focus on, from health and wealth, relationship, career, and then start to I work with imagery, and that's you know in your basic acting class, it's relax is key. It was first relax, relax, relax, and then to start using your imagination, and in using the imagination to create an image. So let's say that you're a speaker going on stage and your mouth is dry. Imagine eating a lemon. What happens

Suzanne Taylor-King  46:02  
right away?

Barbara Daoust  46:03  
Right away. Yeah. So you, it's again, the subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between real or imagined. A lot of the hormones and the chemicals are kicking off just through choosing. So the conscious mind, the purpose of the conscious mind is to focus and choose. Focus and choose, and our biggest power, I believe, is to choose. But we we're choosing from our level of consciousness. We're choosing from our level of awareness. So how do we get outside of that and and think bigger, and then allow oneself to imagine and to fantasize? That's where people will say they get stuck. But use imagery. Go online. Look at pictures. Look at homes you want, cars you want, relationships you want. Start to allow yourself to think of places that you're going to travel to. So, an actor who is, you know, has received a script. The character is written. They have to fill in using imagery, and that's where the design piece starts happening. So, in this case, when you're designing it for yourself, you're the writer, you're the producer, you're the director, you're the actor, you're all that you're the casting director, all of it, and own you know that the imagination needs some some guidance. Yeah, how you know? How are you going to do that? Some people use vision boards. Vision boards, I believe, are powerful if they're seen constantly, but only if there's emotion attached to them. You know, so that you can, because otherwise, things become by rote. We're going on autopilot again, and we're not activating. And activation is when we get into action. So, like Beyonce has an alter ego. Some people need alter egos. You know, sometimes for me, walking out on stage, I pretend I'm Bob Proctor. Now, I followed Bob Proctor because I use techniques sometimes. You know, where I, whenever I admire someone, I identify the quality, and take that quality, and then start to amplify that quality. So if I look at them and go, "Oh, I just like," if I look at you and I go, "I just love the way that she lights up." Now, why I can see that is because it's in me, and I'm maybe not amplifying it. Wow! And if I'm going to amplify it, what can I do to amplify? Now, immediately the mind, you know, the old self is going to kick in with "You don't know how to do that." And a lot of people will say they don't know how to visualize. And I just say, "Well, pick up a cup, and look at the cup, and now close your eyes. Can you see the cup?" And most people will say, "Yeah, I can see the cop in my mind's eye," and it's like, "Well, you just visualized." Yeah. So now I

Suzanne Taylor-King  48:48  
love two questions about that. Seeing seeing this character, you know, what does she say? What does she look like? What does she wear? What's her body language? How does she stand? And this is so much more powerful than just standing in a power pose and thinking that it's going to happen, right? So we can stand in a power pose all day long, but if we're still thinking and feeling, I'm fat. I'm old. I'm ugly. I'm dumb. We're we're not going to get anywhere with the power pose. So I think what you're saying is so much deeper than just one level of consciousness, right? It's it's however many layers there to really being that person, and if that means I have to wear leather pants every time I go on stage because I I want to walk on stage like Joan Jett, who's in her seven. Was nominal,

Barbara Daoust  50:01  
yeah.

Suzanne Taylor-King  50:03  
Then I'm going to do that because that gets me in the persona so much.

Barbara Daoust  50:08  
Exactly, right? Exactly. And the trick too is people will lie to themselves, but it's more the old self not wanting to change, not wanting to try it on, not wanting to to do something that's out of the comfort zone, so you know if you know and you've been told that to sell something, it helps to have enthusiasm, and yet you know you're not feeling enthusiastic, right? So, and then somebody says, "Be enthusiastic," and most people were like, "I will. I can't be enthusiastic." And I'm like, "Just say I'm enthusiastic." Yeah, right. And then all of a sudden they're like, "Oh, okay." And then I'm like, "Okay, so now tell me something with enthusiasm." Well, you know what happened the other day, and then all of a sudden, you know, so it's catching the lie, but the lie is really the resistor. The lie is is the dementors, as one of my clients calls them, that just come flying in on autopilot, right? Because they they know they're doing a really really good job. So whatever technique and whatever voice that you're listening to, right? So if you've got like the the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder, it really where you're going to give the attention because where you know where you put your your focus, your reticular activating system is going to kick in and it's going to start showing you what you're paying attention to. So when you start to build this character, it's to know that it's repetition, repetition, repetition until you become it through embodiment, and it is through mental rehearsal, physical rehearsal, and and not lying to yourself that you can't feel a feeling. If I say to you, you know, say I'm happy with no emotion, you know, what would you do? I

Suzanne Taylor-King  52:02  
don't know if I could, because you instantly smile when you say you're happy,

Barbara Daoust  52:08  
right? And if I say put put a a gesture to I'm happy, what would you do? That led to a laugh.

Suzanne Taylor-King  52:20  
Yeah,

Barbara Daoust  52:21  
right. And now, if you just give it meaning, I'm happy because make something up. What would you do?

Suzanne Taylor-King  52:27  
I'm I'm happy because,

Barbara Daoust  52:30  
gosh, there's so many things. I I mean, it's a whole list. I'm happy because I'm going on vacation very soon. See, and then now your your vibration, your energy, your frequency. You've got it was something, and you could even make up why you're happy. I'm happy because I just received a $10,000 check. Yeah, right. So again, the old self is fooling us that we can't become those things. I worked with. Do you know Tara Lapinsky? Yes. Right. So she won the gold medal in figure skating when she was 15. Was you know not expected, and I worked with her when she was doing some movies and soap operas, and I would rehearse with her at 11 o'clock at night. She'd be saying, "Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Let's do it again." And I'd say it's her. You've got it. I want it in my body. I want it in my body.

Suzanne Taylor-King  53:25  
Lighthouse. Wow.

Barbara Daoust  53:26  
What? What was? And I would go to the rink and watch her. You know, at 5o'clock in the morning before going on set, triple lux down, up again. Triple lux down, up again. Triple lux down, up again. Right. And it was this embodiment because what what does an Olympian do when they get to the the level of being watched and you know their performance? Just like anybody in performance, all eyes are on. But if you have it in your body and you trust your body and you trust and you have a knowingness. It's because that's where you put your focus. You put your focus. But now, if you're going to put your focus when you go out on stage, if I don't have you know a doctorate degree, I'm fat. I'm this. I'm that. That's where all the energy is going to go. Just like when you're in fear and all the blood just runs out of your you know your body to your limbs, so that you can go into flight mode, right, and that's really because the ego mind hasn't evolved over millions of years. The reptilian brain, right, the subconscious mind, which is the midbrain, hasn't evolved. For we're still dealing with, you know, these the the lower brain on top of the neocortex, which is on you know the the top layer. And the great thing about the neocortex is that it's you know it's all full. That's why we have all the wrinkles in the brain because it's all folded up on itself. Because if we couldn't give birth to you know something that was just so large on a flat level,

Suzanne Taylor-King  54:54  
right?

Barbara Daoust  54:55  
That's why it's folded up on itself, and that's where potentiality is, and then. Understand, you know, oneself not just at a emotional level, you know, or core level, but to understand chemistry and biochemistry and psychology. It's the it's the mind body spirit connection. So some people are focused all on body, some people are focused all on mind, some people are focused all on spirit. But it's the integration, right? It's the holistic approach, and that's what we need to understand more and more. And we're gaining more understanding, and you know what neuroscience is showing us more and more. That you know what, like what fascinates me, Suzanne, is why is it that one person who has multiple personalities can one day have blue eyes and the next day have brown eyes. Why is it that one day they can be a diabetic and the next day not? Why is it that one wears glasses and the other one doesn't? There's so much going on, and you know, and then when we get involved with the the quantum field and quantum physics, and bending reality, and collapsing time, and the again the potentiality, but the the lower brain, the you know the reptilian brain and the midbrain are so conditioned that how do we recondition? So I I just like to play bigger, go into what's very uncomfortable, and keep reminding yourself you're choosing to do this and designing it, and understanding that the obstacles are there for you to find the solution to build in resilience, to keep you know the growth and the expansion, and that's where you know the it it really is the challenging piece for for most people, and even putting on a character, people will say, "Oh, that's faking it till you make it." I say, "Well, if you know, fake it till you make them feel good about it," because you're already faking it by lying to yourself about all the things that you aren't good at doing when you

Suzanne Taylor-King  57:00  
aren't

Barbara Daoust  57:00  
good at doing them. You're already faking it, but that's just again, you know, the the chemistry in the body protecting oneself from change. So change, evolution. We can do it, you know, in steps. In and but we can also do it in leaps. But as soon as you go into a leap, understand that that terror barrier is going to keep rushing in. It's going to be fear, doubt, worry. It's flying in, right? Oh yeah, and it's super loud when you're by yourself. Super loud. So I I don't know what that's about, but in the quietest moments, not only with myself but hundreds of clients. When you're by yourself, when you're at your quietest moments, right before sleep or first thing in the morning, it's like so important to go to the affirmations instead of allowing those quiet moments to be full

Suzanne Taylor-King  58:00  
of negativity. So I see so many connections between what you're saying and the journey of entrepreneurship because of all of the things that come up when you're an entrepreneur. You know, visibility, insecurities. Oh, you got I got to be on video now too, or any any of those things, how how did you see that connection, and and what did that look like for you personally? It

Barbara Daoust  58:33  
really starts with a decision and making a committed decision, no matter what. Like when I first started doing videos, this is long before there was even Facebook and social media, and I was doing video emails. It was a dedication to every Monday afternoon blocking the time and saying, no matter what, I am putting out a video, and that took the first time four hours. Oh, and I would do it every week, every week until it became 10 minutes. Again, through, but it was dedication and commitment. I don't think a decision's a decision until it's a committed decision. So it's where deadlines, I like to call goal lines, to attach to something that. And there's two theories on this: whether or not you should put a date or not put a date, right? And where the subconscious mind is going to be directed, I like to work with. Let's put some kind of a date, and if it doesn't happen on that date, just move the date out. It's not about your you know you you failed because you didn't hit it at that time, but tying oneself to a level of commitment. Like I worked with a coach who, for 25 years, had been writing, you know, every day, but never wrote a book and had this desire to write a book. And I just challenged her and said, "Well, what if in three months' time you invite?". 20 of your closest friends to your living room to listen to the first draft of your book, and she said, "Okay, I'm in." And I said, "Yes, but it's not a committed decision until you send out the invitations. When are you going to do that?" So this was a Wednesday. She sent out the invitations on the Monday. Three months later, I was in her living room when she was reading the first draft of her book. Now she's on to her second book. I also challenged her. She wanted to lose weight. She knew how to hire a trainer. She knew how to eat right. She knew how to walk and run every day. She knew how to do all of that. And I probed a little bit and found out that she was she really admired Ernestine Shepherd, who's an 86 year old bodybuilder. So I said, "What about joining a bodybuilding competition?" And she said, "Okay, I yeah, I I'm in." I said, "Not until you find the the competition and you pay for it." So when she found the competition and she paid for it, well, then what what started to happen? She bought her pink fuchsia bikini, bought her tanning spray. She was at the gym every day at 5am. She could hold a plank longer than anybody in the gym. Now, here's the crazy thing: she didn't do the competition because she was sick that week. She caught a virus and couldn't perform that week. But did she lose the weight?

Suzanne Taylor-King  1:01:19  
Yeah,

Barbara Daoust  1:01:20  
yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So that is the example of being and becoming and choosing, but making it through the committed decision. I, for myself, am aiming to do a quick change on stage, where you know you're oh your dice went away, right? And so I want to end up in a flamenco outfit, or or or maybe do a flamenco routine. As soon as I made that decision, well, then it was somebody told me about a flamenco class. Then I got into the flamenco class. Within a month of that flamenco class, I was in a recital. You know, and did I feel comfortable? No, I did not feel comfortable. Did I know that the push was because you know I knew even my desire wasn't helping you know I just knew that now logic had to kick in that to be aware to to be witnessing myself right to have that higher level of consciousness to say push through this because it's going to take repetition. It's not easy to stomp your feet and to twirl your hands at the same time. And I was in classes with 80-year-olds who were like so good, and I didn't want to keep showing up. But I knew that it was the showing up piece, getting through those awkward feelings, knowing that it involved change. Now I'm I'm like thrilled that when I'm just talking to people, I'm demonstrating you know flamingo steps because my vision is to live in Spain and do flamenco dancing. So if that's my my vision, who do I have to be now? Right. I know that I don't want to be at 80 years old, retired. I know that I want to be still activating a version of myself through expression, right? And that's what I feel for for everybody that we're here to express. We're just choosing a vehicle, you know, as an opportunity to express those parts of ourselves. And I say to people, you'll never know who you really are until you meet the parts of yourself you haven't yet met. Yeah, how are you going to meet those parts if you keep defending your limitations?

Suzanne Taylor-King  1:03:30  
Oh, that is so perfect, so profound yet simple, but yet difficult to remove yourself and actually take that, you know, third-party observer look at yourself, and I think assessments are great. I think working with a coach is great. I think working therapy is wonderful for certain parts of that self discovery, there's so many layers to this, and thank you so much for this conversation. It's been truly incredible, amazing to see into your thinking and how you do things, and this wonderful character you have for yourself that you've stepped into it's such an inspiration. So thank you for sharing it with my tribe. How can my listeners find out more about this body of work of yours and reach out to you?

Barbara Daoust  1:04:35  
Well, thank you for asking. Thank you for having me. It's just been delightful. They can go to www. thecodetosuccess. com. and if they want that, I have a template for writing out a design for your life. You know, in the areas of finance and career and spirituality, contribution to the world, and listing what are the presupposing questions. That I was mentioning to you, but also going into imagery, so that if you are imagining traveling, then write out in detail, you know what things look like. What so it's using the five physical senses: what are you seeing, what are you hearing, what are you tasting, what are you touching, right? And then activating that will help to you know build a picture and in that template to record it once you've got it written down and to you know put it on your your phone and listen to it daily and let it keep dropping into subconscious mind you know or Richard Branson has his vision statement that he reads 18 times a day you know that's and again, there's neuropsychology involved in all of this, so it's a matter of sometimes you don't have to believe it. Sometimes it just takes do it, right? So they could download the template, and then they can always reach out on my website at barberdesk.com.

Suzanne Taylor-King  1:06:00  
Okay, wonderful. I will share all those links in the comments, and just want to thank you for being so wonderful. And remember, everyone listening today, to follow Barbara, LinkedIn, subscribe, all the things, and remember that the character you played yesterday is not the one who builds what's next for you. So who do you need to become? I say it all the time. One of my coaches says, "Who do you be? Who are you being?" Right, and and I think just remembering that is just such a profound takeaway from today. So thank you, and

Barbara Daoust  1:06:41  
remember that pretending is creation. That's where it all started, anyway.

Suzanne Taylor-King  1:06:48  
Yeah, didn't it? We would have been so fun at like seven years old together.

Barbara Daoust  1:06:54  
Yeah, yeah.

Suzanne Taylor-King  1:06:56  
Love it. Well, thanks again, Barbara. To you're welcome.

Barbara Daoust  1:07:00  
Bye.

Suzanne Taylor-King  1:07:01  
Thanks for listening to Unlock Your Way with SDK. If this conversation surfaced something for you, a question, a pattern, a realization you can't ignore, don't sit with it alone. Reach out. The first step is always a conversation. Book a private call. Visit suzannetaylorking.com because clarity doesn't come from more information. It comes from seeing the constraint you've been missing.